Thinking about looking for my birth mom...

What's so sad is, I grew up hating my self. I hated everything about me, my hair, my eyes, my face, my weight, my skin, you name it and I hated it. I spent countless hours and days trying to perfect myself to live up to the standards I felt were considered perfect. Spending my entire educational career at a predominantly caucasian school didn't quite help my self image. I thought I needed to be white in order to be successful and happy in life because that's what I saw around me. White meant carefree and happy. It wasn't until my freshman year in college where I met a group of young black girls who were just like me! Suddenly, I didn't want straight thin hair anymore, I embraced my natural large lips and my curves. I embraced my black skin because I truly felt beautiful. Surrounded by these young girls just like me and meeting young men who thought I was gorgeous was something I never honestly came across in high school. I had two technically three boyfriends who yeah said I was pretty every now and then but I didn't believe them because I didn't believe in myself. It took a change in my everyday surroundings to get me to see that I am beautiful in mind, body and soul. Nothing and no one should ever break that. 

Fuck it all. I'm so sick. What's so difficult about being 100 with someone. It sucks honestly. 

Epiphany

It's so weird, everyone at my age is concerned about hookups and flings and I don't want that. I've only ever loved one person and he broke my heart. I honestly thought he was going to be the one. After he told me time after time how much he loved me, how I was the only one that could ever understand and care, he said he wanted to marry me...how could I not think he was the one? Time changes all though. We don't even talk anymore. We're no longer apart of each other's lives and the sad thing is, now or 10 years from now he could call with a problem and I'd jump through hoops and break my back to try and help. That's the person I am, I see the good more than the bad in all people. My fatal flaw. I just want someone who sees the good in me, who stays and won't leave no matter what and actually means it. Someone who doesn't say permanent things based on temporary feelings. I want to spoil someone rotten, shower them with affection so they know how much they mean to me. Be nothing but good to them. That's all. I'm the nice girl and no matter what that won't change.