Contradiction

I know in my most recent blog I posted about how I was never going to let anyone else tell me about myself, but I never mentioned anything about how I talk to myself.  I never feel like I'm worth anything.  Everyday I look in the mirror and see nothing.  My parents tell me I should live in a hall of mirrors because I am constantly looking at myself, what they don't know is that I'm looking at my imperfections, everything I'm not; beautiful, smart, self confident, nice, funny.  All the things you should see when you look in a mirror yet I see nothing.  Like a vampire.   I feel inadequate in every way possible and I hate hurting myself the way I do, but I can't stop!!! I cry at night when I get into fights with friends because I feel like its my fault that I can't be the person you want, I can't be Albert Einstein to help you with homework, I can't be Megan Fox, the beautiful, successful actress, I can't be Beyonce and sing and dance like a goddess, I can't be Kate Moss and strut down a catwalk.  I can't even be me.  

Reaching

I have been reaching for years and years, for a place where I feel comfortable with who I am and who I want to be.  I've done the whole crazy unique thing, the whole dark and depressed thing, the preppy and popular thing, but I've decided not to go through that anymore. I'm who I am and thats ME.  I've decided not to listen to people who tell me I'm ugly, worthless, and I should just go die. It no longer effects me and my happiness. I have friends who I love and God and my family.  I don't need your sympathy, teasing, hurtful behavior or anything else you have to offer.  I've done my reaching and now I'm not going anywhere else.