F*** It

What the fuck is wrong with me, pardon my strong language but one minute I'm completely happy with my life then the next I just wanna shoot myself in the head.  I can't stand this feeling.  Why can't I be completely and truly happy with my life without letting someone else come and ruin it with their bullshit lies.

Nothing is ever good enough...

Done.

Might as well stick a fork in me because I'm DONE.

:)

I hate to quote High School Musical but, This Could Be The Start Of Something New :)

Untitled.

These wasted tears I seem to cry from broken hearts to the simplest of lies.  In truth I can never escape this world that seems to love watching me suffer, but I'm told to be grateful in a tone not soft but rougher.  You know I try to look at the brighter side of life that isn't affected by its own turmoil and strife.  Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in my own skin as it merely acts as a vessel for something way deeper, I'm not quite sure what what that is yet but I'm sure there is more to it; the places I've been and the people I've met.  In all honesty this world, this planet, it scares me into hiding, keeping me here while I'm turned into nothing worth finding.  People often bow down and praise the idea of "true love" but how do you know what's true and what's not?? I'm sorry but the human race has not proved to be the most reliable or trustworthy of all species especially while we go around killing one another as if it's some big game where the last man standing is rewarded with a prize.  It's really quite pathetic, you know the way we put so much into something or someone then when it's over we have no choice but to cry, scream, be angry, whatever.  WAKE UP! It's time to realize that you can't trust anyone or anything in today's modern society.  You can't even trust yourself.  So here's an idea or a suggestion for ya, try not thinking about yourself, your dreams, wants, needs, etc.  Clear your mind  and see what happens.  I've tried it many of times for instance this was originally going to be a poem but after a while it didn't matter, I just kept writing.  You'll be amazed at what might or might not happen.

"Smart or Pretty?" "Why Can't I Choose Both?!

Yeah, being told you have an awesome personality is really nice but after being told over and over again it reaches the point where you believe that your personality is the only thing you DO have.  I mean yeah I've been called pretty, cute, even beautiful but it's one thing when someone calls you it and another if you don't feel it nor believe in it. I guess its a self confidence thing or maybe I'm just in denial but until I FEEL like I'm all of those things, Until then, I'll remain known to myself and others as "Casey, the girl with the awesome personality" not "Casey, the beautiful girl who also has a nice personality."

15...

15 years, is how long I've been alive.
14 years, I've been an older sister since she arrived.
13 years, I spent not knowing the truth.
12 years, it took me to say I love you.
11 years, I've been given the same education.
10 years, were based on hands-on demonstrations.
9 years, since the time I saw a dear friend last.
8 years, dreaming about how we were in the past.
7 years, it's been boy since you haven't attended my birthday party.
6 years, 4 times a month to school I've been tardy.
5 years, for me to realize you were the excuse.
4 years, of my heart has endured the abuse.

 

3 years, I've been acting like we were best friends forever.
2 years, I lied to myself...wow, that was clever.
1 year, of going up and down the same path.
0 years, of regret...you do the math.

Contradiction

I know in my most recent blog I posted about how I was never going to let anyone else tell me about myself, but I never mentioned anything about how I talk to myself.  I never feel like I'm worth anything.  Everyday I look in the mirror and see nothing.  My parents tell me I should live in a hall of mirrors because I am constantly looking at myself, what they don't know is that I'm looking at my imperfections, everything I'm not; beautiful, smart, self confident, nice, funny.  All the things you should see when you look in a mirror yet I see nothing.  Like a vampire.   I feel inadequate in every way possible and I hate hurting myself the way I do, but I can't stop!!! I cry at night when I get into fights with friends because I feel like its my fault that I can't be the person you want, I can't be Albert Einstein to help you with homework, I can't be Megan Fox, the beautiful, successful actress, I can't be Beyonce and sing and dance like a goddess, I can't be Kate Moss and strut down a catwalk.  I can't even be me.  

Reaching

I have been reaching for years and years, for a place where I feel comfortable with who I am and who I want to be.  I've done the whole crazy unique thing, the whole dark and depressed thing, the preppy and popular thing, but I've decided not to go through that anymore. I'm who I am and thats ME.  I've decided not to listen to people who tell me I'm ugly, worthless, and I should just go die. It no longer effects me and my happiness. I have friends who I love and God and my family.  I don't need your sympathy, teasing, hurtful behavior or anything else you have to offer.  I've done my reaching and now I'm not going anywhere else.

Trust

Is there nobody in this damn world that I can trust, everywhere I turn. I'm beginning to not even trust myself anymore...

Finally?!

It took me so long to get over him, but its finally happened. I'm okay with who I am and what I have.  Everyone keeps saying or believing in us but I don't see why.  Is it because we've been bff's for so long now or is it because we just fail to see what others see.  Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. I'm moving on... correction; I've moved on and I'm lovin' it!!

Broken

I'm constantly reminded that I'm only 14 years old, I can't fix everything that life throws at me, even if I want too, sometimes I ask myself, "Why do I even get involved if I know I'm only gonna make things worse than they were before... then I remember its because I may not be able to fix my life but I could try to help others and after thinking that, I remember you can't fix something that wasn't broken...